i was doing awesome

at the whole space and distance thing. wrote myself a note, kept busy, and pretended like i didnt care although that whole concept of 'no showing you care' is completely foreign to me. I was doing awesome... until i get to see all about mr mans big all day with his new female friend. No wonder there wasnt enough time to call me or see me. it makes sense now, which really sucks. i asked him if i should be worried, and he didnt answer. i made sure to be considerate (even though i feel i am not being told the whole story) and email during lunch hour so i wasnt interrupting a busy work day. I didnt get any response, so a couple hours later when i felt like i was going to be sick to my stomach about this crap i sent another msg asking could he please jsut answer that question so i could know what the case was. well- its over 6 hours now since the first email and still nothing. had it not been for that blog I could have gone all week with no contact just to show I can; as it is i am afraid to look at his blog now to see what might hurt me next. But as it is I feel like where was the time to make a new friend when there isnt enough time or energy to maintain the friendship that he and I have? How hard is it- if there is nothing but innocent friendship going on- to say 'No babe- everythings fine- she is jsut a geek like me and we have lots in common- shes a cool chick but i am still into you" or whatever the case is. I would feel much better with the whole situation. But as it is I am practically ready to jsut accept it without hearing anything. But as a human i deserve better than that.
I feel discounted whether I was or wasnt by omission. I dont need to know every little thing. I dont want to know every little thing. But when I am turning down dates or dinners out of respect for the person I believe I am seeing exclusively, is it wrong of me to feel it should work both ways? That I shouldnt have to hear about the great time he had with some other chick?
It jsut sucks and it hurts and its my fault for having hope in something between he and I. I jsut want him to be happy and obviously I havent been making him happy.
Its jsut so hard to let go of something that felt so right when we were together. For some reason I thought our differences were complementary and not divisive. Guess I was wrong on that.
Im not saying everything I did was perfect- far from it- but I was completely honest about what I wanted at all times. Do you know how impossible it is to be anything to someone who never expresses anything? He always asks- Do I ever ask anything of you? No- he takes what he wants- which is space- and didnt tell me that was what was going on. How am I not supposed to think something is going on? And jsut when I was reassured abnd believing him, I make the mistake of reading his blog.
Now the logical chick in me says that of course there is nothing going on because he always told me he doesnt blog about his personal life. So this occurence on the blog shouldnt mean anything. So why cant i listen to my logical side? Because my gut is telling me differently. Makes sense that a guy would say that when you are not good enough for him to write about you... until you are out of the picture. Logic vs. Gut? We will see who is right.
Once upon a time things were great. I would love for things to be great with him again. But the secretive vague neutral not-giving-a-shit persona that he has become lately hurts alot because I know how it feels when I can tell he cares about me. He used to tell me he likes me, im sexy, im this, im that, blah blah blah, he used to share himself with me. Now it seems he is busy sharing himself with someone else. And its not like the good times were years ago- we were fine even a month ago. Frustrating.
Guess i turned him into being just like anyone else- not caring enough about me as a human being to be straight with me and either respect me or let me be. And before you go saying what a bunch of drama and crap- its not. These are my feelings and you can take them or leave them. Drama would be ringing the phone off the hook in disrespect of guy night just to get an answer. I asked once, then asked for my answer, and now I am leaving it alone. This is my blog here and I am venting from my heart.
Hes a great guy and I am the fuck-up yet again. I can talk big like- whatever your decision is- its fine with me, I jsut want to know rather than not know... but honestly either way hurts equally bad. Why do I let some people affect my heart? When am I going to learn?