That kiss

you know, the one that makes you feel like the floor jsut dropped out from under you and if you were never kissed half as much as passionately as that again you would be jsut fine.
Ive had one of those.
I didnt think they were real until it happened to me. I thought they were the invention of some cheesy schmeesy studio dramatist trying to sell their movie by sexing it up a bit. Trying to make people believe that passion like that really exists.
Well it does, and I had it once. Just one kiss. One kiss I will never forget. Ive had others that made my tummy tingle, or other things happen, kisses of excitement or comfort, or something new and tempting, but none that came close to That Kiss.
A little bit of back story leading up to the liplock of the century: There was a guy at work I had a crush on for about 6 months- ever since I had started working at my last job. We had talked every now and then, he was super-nice, awkward around me, younger, chubby and geeky, with a great sincere smile. Exactly how I like them. I had heard he had a girlfriend, but I never thought it was serious until a couple months before their wedding when I heard him talking about some wedding plans. My heart dropped, but I wasnt all that upset since I knew now I could jsut flirt and not have it go anywhere- you know, that kind of safety flirting you can do with people who are in relationships- nothing disrespectful or over the line, jsut holding glances a little longer than necessary, smiling at them for no reason, stuff like that. Harmless innocent fun.
Skip forward through a bachelor party gone wild, emails filled with strife and longing, a wife who thinks she knows everything but will never know the real story, and you get to me and the guy about six weeks after his wedding. We had been going thru the 'we have to stop this thing' and the 'i love my wife but... i dont know what to do' thing for the past month. It seemed like every time I stopped it, he was distraught and upset and every time he stopped it, we tried to be jsut friends but it wouldnt work. Have you ever been in one of those situations, where there is no way to be jsut friends with someone no matter what because you will always have different stronger feelings than friendship for that person? Yeah, thats where we were. A friendly email would lead to a friendly lunch, then it would always escalate into sneaking around. Anyways, I had arranged for him to come over and help me plant some things at my parents house and when he got there, I told him that we had to stop this once and for all, and he looked sad, but said okay, i understand, so ill talk to you tomorrow. And I said no, I dont think so. Then he realized what I was saying and the look on his face made my own heart sink. But I kept my composure and stayed firm.
The next day at work, he looked awful and came up to me and asked if we could talk, and said that when i had had questions he had answered them for me and could I please do the same for him. So I said yes. He looked so upset and told me he hadnt slept at all that night and could we go somewhere to talk for lunch. I said yeah how about our spot? (We had this secret meeting spot out back by the old greenhouse under the two apple trees... not as Secret Garden as it sounds, trust me) and he said no, like I will drive- lets go somewhere. Whoa- this was big- we had never ventured out into public together. OK lets not forget that his wife knew that something was up with him and me, she actually knew alot more but I am not going into that in this blog (TMI) so I was actually a little scared of the psychotic (and huge) crazy woman. She would chop me up and skewer me and have me for a pre-dinner snack if she caught me in her husbands truck.
Anyways, this seemed too important to him so at lunch he emailed me and we got into his truck and drove up the street. Before we even got out of the parking lot he was asking me if he was too late to have a chance with me. I told him the only thing that made sense- that when he got married he gave up his right to a chance with me. He was so upset. Kept saying how he feels like he is stuck in the decision that he made, etc. We parked and we were holding hands and i was trying not to cry and i could see his heart pounding through his shirt. It was crazy intense. We talked about a lot of things, hugged and held each other, then pretty soon we were outside holding each other because i think we both knew it would be the last time. I asked for one last kiss and he gave it to me, and it was sweet and filled with feeling and longing, not lusting. We let go of each other and I got back in the car and felt my eyes brimming with tears but I was determined not to cry... again. So I took a deep breath and put on my seatbelt. He got in the car and I looked away, then all of a sudden he grabbed my face and swung it towards his and kissed me.
No, he KISSED me.
Like in the movies. Thats the only way I can describe it to his day. I still feel butterflies when I close my eyes and think about it. When he let go of me we both jsut sat there for a minute- Im sure my jaw was dropped and I probably looked like a damn fool. But I didnt care. Knowing that someone was able to convey the most innocent, undeniable feeling through a kiss still blows my mind. Something that can never be said in words or written in a card, only felt. I will probably remember this kiss when I am 90, even though it was the last kiss.
We drove back to work in jsut about silence, neither one of us caring we were half an hour late, and that was that. We talked a few times after that but he turned into the faithful husband that he signed up to be when he got married. I moved on, so I thought, but jsut ended up feeling nothing for a really long time- From last June to this February in fact. Met some people, had some fun, dated, whatever- but no real feelings for a long time.
I guess things turned out how they were supposed to in this situation, but he will always have a small piece of my heart whether he wants it or not.