back to the whining and all that. The sun went away, reality set in, im back to being as messed up as i get. i feel like something is really wrong with me and i dont know what. like i am close to having my shit together... but every time i get close to something good it is taken away from me or doesnt work out so its like why even bother. i have to move and i cant make it happen. i am so discouraged. like even if i find a place i wont be able to afford the deposit and stuff to move in so whats the point in even looking. i just need someone to take control of my life for a minute and figure out where i am going so freaking wrong.
then theres this guy, and he is great and jsut what i need but somehow even though he makes me as happy as i get, i decide its not enough?!? wtf? it has me so backwards in the head and i am tired of dealing with all the emotions i jsut want to shut down and not have any emotions at all. it seems to be so easy for some people to jsut not care.
it is so hard to feel like i am not enough. not enough to make someone happy... not a good enough mom, not a good enough anything. like how am i so delusional that i think i am enough- because i msut be wrong because i seem to be the only one on the planet who thinks that i am worth anything.
im tired of crying, my face hurts- its chapped and my contacts are getting all mad at me and i have an awful headache and i cannot even picture getting up in the morning and putting on a happy face as i head to my job that is still pretty new.
add to that mess that i created a traffic cop who wanted to yell at me. OK here he is directing mariners game traffic and he is signaling the lane i am in to go go go then when i am halfway thru the intersection he changes his mind and i slam on my brakes in the middle of the walkway- then he wants to come over and i have my window down because i am all hot and crying my eyes out about stuff and he actually says dont you see the sign and i said yes sir but i thought that when an officer is directing traffic it overrules the sign and he says thats jsut stupid, you are lucky i dont have time to write you a $191 ticket and he starts walking away. then like a dumbass i start yakking with my window still down about oh you are really going to give me shit like this when i am already crying? yeah happy fucking mothers day to me thanks alot dickhead. then he starts approaching me again so i jsut go because i dont want to deal with it.
So because i am in an unfamiliar part of town and should have really been looking at signs instead of crying too hard to see anything, i miss the onramp and end up heading on i90 towards spokane before i realize what i am doing and have to figure out my way back to going the right way.
I had intended on going to the old navy at southcenter because they have different stuff and its a bigger store than either of the ones in tacoma today but i was too upset so i didnt go. Can you imagine- i was so upset i didnt go shopping at a store i had a big gift card to?
things are not quite right with the world today.
I am glad i stay really busy at work so tomorrow will come and go quickly and so will every other day until i feel ok.
i hate that temporary feeling of 'i am not going to be okay.'
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment