who finds it easier to talk to a blog than a real person. its easy to not get too close to a blog. a blog is never late, never tunes you out, never 'doesnt get you.'
so why is it this girl cant say some things? is she afraid of looking weak? maybe its because she is expected to be so damn strong and grown-up and mature all the time that the occasional insecurity that creeps in never gets dealt with and jsut stays there festering (i love that word, btw) under the surface until this girl just cries herself to sleep one night and wakes up with it back behind the wall where it belongs.
why does everything this girl says sound so retarded?
why cant she jsut say that she feels like no one ever really wants her around? like the one thing she wants more than anything in life is to be someone's person. yes i stole that term from grey's anatomy, so what? this girl knows that there isnt anyone on earth who would call her first if they won the lottery, or if they got in a car wreck, or if they found out they were pregnant, or for any of life's 'big news' events.
this girl has had best friends in the past, but it has been a while. she has been replaced very easily and its not so good for her security issues. this girl must just be one of those girls who is easy to say goodbye to.
the funny part, not funny haha, but funny like in a sucky shitty way, is that 95% of the time she has no issues. She is fine with the fact that the people she cares about care about her back, and the ones who don't she couldn't care less about. so why is she letting the other 5% get her down?
maybe it doesnt seem like such a big deal to not be special to anyone when the rest of her life is falling apart all over the damn place. maybe it is the fact that she finally has, for the most part, gotten her shit together, and now with all the clutter separated she can see the gaping hole in the middle of her heart.
and then as quickly as she gets upset about it, she is fine again, because there is stuff to do and places to be and a kid to somehow turn into a responsible, good-hearted member of society.
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2 comments:
Sorry you're having such a crappy time. Don't know if this helps, but just know that you're not the only one that feels that way. I wish I could do more to be your friend, but you know how life is...keeps us mommies too busy for friends sometimes. But you can always call me...(will send through myspace)
thanks for your empathy. nice to know im not alone, but jsut makes me wish no one else felt like that! it seems like when its good, its fabulous, and when its bad, its really bad.
One of my saturdays at the lake should include you and the girls! Your big pregnant belly will need some cooling off then! :)
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