Today was slightly better

Maybe I am finally growing up enough to realize that it is totally okay to have no one around than to have sub-standard people in my life. The problem is, I spend waaaaaaay too much time alone. The other problem is that the longer I am single, the higher my standards become. But is that really a problem? Feedback please :) Except I don't have any readers anymore. Boo.

Peace and Quiet

I miss my best friend. I need that face time. The communication via text, email, and online chatting is just soooooo not the same. The context is missing and we both are so sarcastic that everything seems to get turned around and one or both of us ends up hitting a nerve or getting our feelings hurt. Why is my friendship with him different than any friendship I have had in my life? Every day he is gone sucks. I don't see how the huge change in one friendship can make me so damn miserable all the time.
I have no answers. I am just sad, mad, lonely no matter whos around, and feel incomplete. How did this get so twisted?

Two in a row!

Hi there...
TGIF! I am soooo tired- I dont know how yall ladies with children plural do it. I only have one and it is like- go to bed already so I can!
So tonight Wonder Woman, Frenchie and I went to PV for dinner and a drinkie. Yummmmm- I had been craving those enchiladas for over a week now! I have the worlds best friends. I hope I am as good of a friend to them as they are to me :)
So I like someone. Yeah, big deal, I have ever since I met him over a year ago but it has just been the last 6 months or so that I was really really romantically interested in this person. So I dont technically work with this person but I do work near him... and it makes me wish I could go to work every day. I do not look forward to the weekends because I miss him. So I will give myself till the last day of May for something to either move forward or end. I have thought about this before and ugh I dont know if I can stick to it but I am going to try. Wish me luck... and get ready to read about either a very happy or a very sad me in blogs to come. It is temporary, self!
Have a great weekend...

and now May...

How are you?
I am doing the same ole stuff... loving my lame job, loving my badass friends, wishing the M's better skills, and wondering why my house is not on autoclean.
Here is whats new with me/us:
1. I got a new laptop! I love it, although Vista SUCKS! This was a bday oresent from my folks and I am very excited as I will finally be able to write the book I have been promising Korin for years. How will I write a book when I cant even blog more than once in a month? Hmmm good question, readers (are there any of you left even???)
2. I made my first coconut cream pie and everyone really liked it :) I only started one small fire trying to properly toast coconut for the topping, but it was easy to throw away and start over.
3. KK is in baseball. She is doing really well and loves it. She is not afraid to compete against and play with the boys. She is a fighter! i am so proud.
4. My control freak ass got to run the company while the bosses were in Chicago for a week. I had so much fun! Cant say the same for anyone else... but it was so relaxing to actually have a handle on things, and I think people had a good time :) hey it was a short vaca for us too, give us a break!

So what is NOT new with me?
1. School- still in it, still passing both classes by the skin of my teeth- please keep wishing luck upon me as I try to pass English!
2. Love life- still not seeing anyone, still hoping for a chance with the friend I have a thing for, we will see what happens.

hey- if you are out there and still read me, let me know!

It's April now

Not much to say.
I did pick three out of the final four contestants on Make Me a Supermodel, as you can see if you look back a couple months posts. Go me. Holly won that show. I hope she learns how to speak in public because she is a gorgeous model. I would hate to have my reputation decline every time I opened my mouth.
So I am crushing hard on this one guy and don't have the guts to say anything to him but man it makes it really hard to concentrate or get anything done over the majority of my week. I am waiting to see if it wears off or if eventually I open my stupid mouth and ruin a friendship.
Baseball season is upon us and this morning was spent beautifying kk's home field. Ha I put more work into that thing in a day than I put into my whole yard all Spring. Shoveling, sweeping, weedwhacking, weeding, trimming, hacking, and getting rained on. Feels good :)
So what's up with you?

sparks

Are sparks necessary?
You know, that feeling in your stomach when you look at someone or remember certain happenings and you feel like you are going to puke, but in a good way? Well that is how it feels for me sometimes.
What I am wondering is whether a nice, stable, dependable and still passion-filled relationship is enough, or if there has to be sparks. The thing about sparks is that they usually don't care about dependability, fidelity, or stability. They are jsut either there or they aren't. That may be what my failed relationships had in common- plenty of spark and no common sense.
I don't want to grow old with someone who I simply have a spark with. I want a healthy, devoted, best-friend type with whom I can also have awesome sex.
I know that I need to lead with my head, and be able to follow with my heart, but I am having trouble knowing whether a little bit of spark can sustain a relationship, or if it is failed from the start.
What are your guys' experiences with spark and it's necessity for long-term?

I am a little behind

in posting anything about any men in my life. Mostly there has been nothing going on there, but I did meet a great guy a couple weeks ago. Unfortunately he lives in Nebraska. I met him when he was here visiting family. He is such a good guy that if he was here I would definitely bring the A-game to that situation.
After two wonderful days together and a depressing week beating myself up about why do I do this to myself, I still have no good answer. Is it better to have a great experience and then miss the person I had it with, or is it better to not meet people at all unless somehow I can know ahead of time that they are mentally and physically available to attempt a friendship-growing-into-more thing?
Blah. So I end up missing this guy and just being mad at myself. Yes I am glad I made a new friend. No I am not glad that I know there is one more great guy out there that is not for me.
In other news, I have a cold and I am in charge of inventory again tomorrow. So I have to make sure I find my Aleve Cold and Sinus because, in case you have forgotten from 140 posts ago, it is one of God's blessings to the Earth.
Wish me luck... at finding the Aleve, at having a good inventory, and at not worrying about love.

My new addition

OK I started typing this post February 20th but am finishing it today:

Here is what I did today:


So this is my first tattoo. There is a story behind it but I don't have time to write that right now as I am doing the mom thing of laundry, looking up a doctor online, making a snack for kk and two friends, texting a new person, and wearing in my new Marc Fishers with the 4.5inch heels.

Crock Pot

So I got one. I suppose now I am to cook in it, or with it, ro whatever the correct verb is there.
What I need from you guys is a good recipe or two to try it out and see how exactly this thing goes down. Yes, it came with a cookbook, but the recipes I have seen so far are either a million ingredients, or putting meatballs and bbq sauce in and 8 hours later you have meatballs with bbq sauce.
Any good ones?

I was in the paper

but it was a long long time ago. Not often do I get recognized for something in my professional life. I think the only other big achievement of my career thus far was not getting shot during as armed robbery.
Read if you would like... the link is here mostly for preservation :P

http://kpbj.com/report/articles/2005-03-03-RPT-08.html

I forgot to brag

Kk was sent home with two forms the other day- one was a questionnaire for me to fill out pertaining to the second form. The second form was a permission slip for kk to be tested for her school district's gifted program. I am so proud that they honored my daughter with the chance to be tested! Like mother, like daughter! :D
When I took the forms out of her bag and asked her how many kids in her class got them, I asked somewhat sternly so she would answer honestly. She said two. So only two out of 27 kids in her class (I know, 27, it's horrible!!!) were asked to test.
Way to go KK! Good luck testing!

Plane Tickets

We bought our plane tickets to AZ/LV today- We are going in june after school gets out. how exciting! I wonder which fish will die while we are gone this time.
I will have to make sure that my school is out by then. I know unless we have a bunch of school days between now and then, we will be able to go no problem. Whoopee!
Don't you think they should sell a Vanilla Ding Dong? Just like the chocolate one, only with white cake and vanilla frosting and coating instead?
Someone do it. Make it happen. I won't even be upset that you stole my idea. Just give me some free ones and we can call it even.
So today is the first day that we go to an 8am-4pm flat schedule at work. I am not happy about it but I am not the boss so I have no say in the matter. If I don't like it that much, I can leave. The downside is I think I might fail at whether I can do my job or not, and I really don't want to fail, because I KNOW that under the right circumstances, I can do the job, no problem. Unfortunately, the right circumstances include a couple pretty significant staffing changes, which are also not up to me. Sigh.
Anywho, I do look forward to being off at a certin time every day. My daycare bill might even go down. No more leaving the house by 545am. The earliest I will ever have to leave is 730. I am grasping for a silver lining here.
I am thankful and fortunate to be physically and mentally healthy enough to work, and I realize my fortune at being able to do something I love, even if it will no longer allow me financial security. It was a nice month and a half though!

congratulations

Morgan and Tony got engaged today, on Morgan's lucky bday! Yay! I love these two together. Hope it lasts forever!!!

Would you ever get plastic surgery?

Have you ever? I have not gotten any appearance-altering surgery. I did have a nose job but that was all on the inside of me and I didn't notice any change in how I looked.
I think I would rather look exactly how God intended me to look. Yes I would like the flab on my ass gone. Yes I would love to have a cute nose and a flat tummy and my perfect in every way 18yr old boobs back. I think I look alright, even if I am not the exact idea of what society's males think a woman should look like, and I think I will never have plastic surgery. there are plenty of size 2 girls who wish they were pretty like me.
A girl in our China office told me recently "There is no such thing as ugly woman, only lazy woman." I pretty much agree with that.If you put enough effort into it, almost anyone can be pretty. But I would rather be happy.
And if it came between sleeping in for an hour, and getting up to spend an hour putting my face on, well, I think you can guess where I stand. In related news, putting mascara on while driving is just as easy as putting it on standing in front of a mirror. And it saves time :) But put your coffee down first.

And now for something that makes me laugh...

I stole this from a blog I read. The more hearts it touches- the better :P

Grand Canyon

So my mom called today and regurgitated an idea back to me that I had a month or so ago about taking a trip to the Grand Canyon. Referencing a prior post about wanting to take kk to a bunch of places before she gets much older, my mom suggested that they drive down there and kk and I fly down there and we meet at the airport and go to the Grand Canyon. It sounds great. Now the challenge is going to be affording this. But by then, I will have a week of paid vacation I can and should take, and a week down there would allow me a couple days to go to vegas. Now if only I had a friend who would want to go to vegas with me for two or three days...
So yay- I love travelling, and this way everyone wins- we won't have to rent a car down there because my parents will already be there, it sounds like so much fun. So I can't wait to do my taxes and find out if I will really be able to afford this.
If you have been to the Grand Canyon and/or Vegas and have any travel tips, please comment them to me. Thanks!
Off to check airfare!

Oh yeah I forgot

We went up to Hurricane Ridge in Port Angeles today to take kk skiing for the first time.

We left the house at 11am and finally got up there shortly after 2, jsut to find out that the road to the top, which had been open when I called before we left, was now closed. Big bummer.

So we drove back down to the bottom of the hill, bought a sled, and drove until as far as we could without running into the closed gate. Had a Ton of fun. We found out kk wants to snowboard, not ski. So now the quest begins to find cheap snowboard stuff online. We had a really fun day.

her is a pic of her in the snow. I am not sure if you can see her badass brown and pink plaid snowboard pants, but they are hella cute!

here are a couple more pics:

kk int he snow again-

and me on our way down with Vancouver Island in the background. It's kind of hard to see but from the sky down, it is clouds, clear sky, Canadian mountains, the Strait of Juan de Fuca, and the town of Port Angeles. What a vantage point!-

Overwhelming Emotion

I am not a big fan of overwhelming emotion. Especially when the emotions have such negative connotivity. I am having one of those nights.
I keep hating kk's dad. I am so uncomfortable with hatred. It only comes naturally to me in this one instance. I can see how black it makes my heart and I want it gone. I keep asking God to take it away and make it His problem, not mine, because I know that all He wants me to do is ask for His help. But it doesn't go away. I know that things don't happen on my timeline, they happen on God's, so I am not mad at God for leaving me with this darkness in my soul about this matter. I just want it gone.
Another Christmas and birthday come and gone with no communication. He knows how to get ahold of us. I have always encouraged him to communicate with kk, until the last time he did it, and I have never and will never stand in the way of the two of them having the relationship she deserves to have with a dad.
Maybe it never bothered me because my dad has always been around, and he is such a wonderful example of how good men can be, and what they are supposed to do and how they should act. But now that they have moved I have no males to spend time with her and I fear so badly that she will grow up with a skewed view of how important a male's opinion is. I have already seen it with her- and it makes my skin crawl!
I know as far as single moms go, I am one of the better ones. I dont take financial aid of any kind for her, I talk to her all the time about everything, and I try really hard to do guy things with her like teach her about football, or have burping contests, or whatever. But I can't do it all, and I can't replace a dad.
I know how important my dad is to me, and it breaks my heart that kk doesn't have that. I also know how important her dad's dad is to him, which is why I can't understand why he would take that away from his own child.
I have so many questions and no answers and the rage I have about just this one issue eats me up inside. I hate feeling this way. I don't think about it often, but every once in a while something will happen and I have to emote this or it will turn me into a completely negative person.
I jsut hate him, hate the situation, hate wishing he was dead, hate the person it makes me, and I am glad it is not all-consuming. I just distract myself out of it most of the time.
Thanks for listening.

The Jonas Brothers

In case you want to see the band I have been talking about lately and that I bought kk tickets to the concert for, they are going to be on Jay Leno tonight, and also on Ellen on ummm Monday the 21st I believe. Check 'em out!
That is all for tonight- later gaters :)

Birthday Expenditures

Wow. The money flows like the Humptulips River around kk's birthday time. Gift, tablecloth, table, chairs, balloons (crap I forgot those,) streamers, cake, cake decorations, goody bag bags, goody bag presents, music to dance to, food to eat, soda to drink.
Beads to make party favors, regular ones and special ones, invitations, snacks for the grown-ups, games to play.
That is for the kids party. The family party is tacos on Saturday and I always forget onions and jalapenois because I dont eat them! I have to make such a list for tacos.
So I get to buy all this, PLUS I am sure a ton of stuff I jsut cant recall right now. And I can celebrate not having any money left by cleaning my house for strangers I may not even like!

Thank you, God, for making birthdays only once a year!!!!!!